Two words: Atsui and Samui

No, those aren't the last names of a couple of Japanese baseball players. Those are the Japanese words for "hot" and "cold," respectively.

When I first got here, it was boiling. I wore shorts and my trusty sleeveless T-shirt whenever I could, I constantly put to use one of the countless freebie fans that I picked up in no time (you find them all over the place since they are a popular marketing device), and I always carried around a small towel like everyone else, to wipe the sweat that was pouring off my brow. In the picture here, you can see that I even advanced quickly from carrying my towel to wearing it on my head, as many guys in these parts do.

And everywhere I went, I heard people saying, "Atsui desu ne!?" Well, I barely knew any Japanese at the time, but I was certainly smart enough to figure out right away what those words meant: "It sure is hot, huh?" For those of you out there who've never been to Japan, trust me on this: Come to Japan in the summer and you will quickly learn the true meaning of "Atsui, desu ne!?" It's HOT HOT HOT! Actually, it's not really the heat that bothers everyone, it's the humidity.

It stayed hot until about mid-September. Then it cooled down a bit, and by the end of the month, I could finally put away my trusty ol' towel. (NOT! See, you always carry around a towel here, because there are usually, or at least quite often, no napkins in restaurants and no towels to dry your hands off with in many bathrooms, for instance.) I was still wearing my short-sleeve shirts, but at least I wasn't dripping in sweat.

The cool period didn't last very long, however. Right about the middle of October, the temperatures started to drop and the teachers and students switched to their winter wear. I must have not gotten that memo (like many other memos!), hardy har har.

I remember the first day of the switch, I glanced around and all of a sudden just about every teacher besides me was wearing long-sleeve shirts and ties (most teachers didn't bother to wear ties in the hotter months). And I tell you, it really wasn't any colder that day than it had been several other times earlier in the month. But I guess the Japanese, as individuals, don't like to write their own rules. That was the day to switch, so switch they did.

Because I was still wearing my short-sleeve shirts, I started getting funny looks from other teachers, all of them wondering how I couldn't be cold. Well, I wasn't, plain and simple. But sure enough, a couple of days later, winter arrived overnight, and I was caught unprepared. Note to self, I thought: Bring a jacket from now on, just in case! (Winter in October? What's going on here? As much as I like Gokase, I still wish it weren't located near the highest point on the island, since that makes it just about the coldest place to live on the island of Kyushu!)

I can't recall one day here when I wore one of my long-sleeve shirts without a jacket or sweater over it. That's how quickly the temps sank from warm, minus the humidity, to cold, rather than from warm to cool to cold.

Well, those cold days in October quickly gave way to cooler temps once again, especially on the coast, at least for a while. I guess we were having the Japanese version of an Indian summer. So I put away my jacket and busted out my short-sleeve shirts once again. But I was still just about the only one of the teachers who didn't make a definitive switch to winter wear.

By the beginning of November, it gradually got colder and colder, however, and some days I seriously began to worry how I was going to survive the winter. At school, that is. I tell you, some days it was absolutely freeeeeezing in the building! And did anyone turn the heat on? Nope! (In August, when it was boiling, the best they could do for us was turn on some electric fans. Meanwhile, the monster air-conditioners that are attached to the ceiling sat idle. I have a funny feeling those are used for a limited time only. So no surprise there about the lack of heaters.)

And guess what I started hearing, time and time again? "Samui desu ne!?" I'll give you a million bucks or a million yen (your choice) if you can tell me what "samui desu ne!?" means in English! OK, just joking. But you're right, it most certainly means, "It sure is cold, huh?" Even when it wasn't cold, at least as far as I was concerned, I heard that phrase over and over. It's like everyone gets paid 100 yen every time they say it or something!

And then, one day in the middle of November, I heard talk about powerful, kerosene heaters. "Heaters at last! Heaters at last! Thank God Almighty, we have heaters at last!" I thought to myself. Too bad I didn't read the fine print before I got my hopes up. Namely: 1) The heaters weren't coming out of storage until December 1; and 2) The heaters can only be used if the INSIDE (Ahhhhhhhhh!) temperature is under 50 degrees. Like I said: Ahhhhhhhhh!

As December 1st approached, the days were getting colder and colder, most teachers and students were wearing more and more layers of clothing, and "samui desu ne!?" was quickly gaining in popularity. By the end of November, it was so cold at school that I sometimes wore two jackets and a knit hat. I spotted at least three teachers doing their best impersonation of the Michelin man, with their big puffy down jackets. And it wasn't unusual to find some students and teachers bundling up in blankets while seated.

What the heck is going on here? Do the Japanese really like to torture themselves? As far as I'm concerned, yes! December 1st is the day those heaters come out, so pray that Hell doesn't freeze over before that. Because even if it does, by God, those heaters will not be turned on!

The heaters first appeared in the library on November 28th. (When I first saw them, I made a fist and let out a little "Yes!") Two days to go. And then on November 30, the kids started distributing the heaters throughout the school. (Another fist and another "Yes!") One day to go. Only there was one little problem with that. Can you remember what day December 1st fell on this year? (C'mon, that was just a few days ago!) That's right, Saturday! Guess what that meant? More suffering! More waiting!

So there were the mega-heaters, sitting all around school. Idle. Worthless. Useless. Torturing us like crazy. Gee, thanks but no thanks! All the shouts of "samui desu ne!?" weren't going to change a thing. Wait 'til Monday.

And then Monday arrived! Hooray, it's Heater Day! NOT! I eagerly waited for someone to turn the darn things on, but for some reason, they just sat there, idle as before.

When I went to one of my classes, I asked a teacher I was working with why we couldn't turn the heater on. His reply: No kerosene. You've got to be kidding me! No kerosene!? What the heck!? After class, I asked another teacher why we couldn't turn on the heaters in the teacher's room. He quickly reminded me of the fine print: It wasn't under 50 inside! Well, at least he had a sense of humor about it and suggested that we open the windows...

December 3rd came and went without the use of the heaters and I was starting to doubt this whole heater thing. Maybe it was just a sick joke?

December 4th. Tuesday. I noticed something different about the heater closest to my desk. The cord was stretched out on the ground, and the plug was inches away from the socket. Torture! "Please, someone, anyone, finish the job and plug that damn heater in before I strangle someone or freeze to death (whichever happens first)!" And then, at 9:26 a.m. (Who, me, checking the time?) history was made! The heater was plugged in, and the "on" button was pushed. And then, like a miracle, flames appeared and heat began to flow. Hallelujah! Hooray! And, several hours early, Happy Hanukkah!

(Editor's note: Despite the fact that the heat is now flowing and the school is noticeably warmer, the cries of "samui desu ne!?" are more popular than ever! I guess I need to get in on that money-making scheme...)